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Drivers fed up with subsidizing walkers and bikers says mayor
by special reporter Hilarity Wildchilde
At a meeting out of drone range on April 1, Watsonville politicos agreed tax payers should no longer subsidize foot and bike traffic. “With the escalating costs of winter and the El Er Tee, we must find other sources of revenue,” says Mayor O’What.
The recently appointed National Cap Chair says “Mayor O’What is simply grabbing taxes at the expense of those who choose to exercise. Let me be clear: all federally funded walkways, bikeways, and water crossings will continue to operate as safe and free passages for non-motorized wheel operators (including cyclists), pedestrians, and stroller pushers.”
Tools for trolls: In our neighbourhood, troll booths will be installed at either side of the Odd crossing between Sanity Hill and Over River. The crossing will be policed by trolls with authority to, if necessary, confiscate strollers, bikes, walkers, or foot wear. The cost for single and double crossing has yet to be decided. Public reaction in Over River and Sanity Hill is not favourable despite assurances that there will be provision for reduced crossing costs for elderly and handicapped.
“We are being double crossed” shouted Susie Speakup at a special meeting of ASH (Alternative Sanity Hill).
“This is what happens when they hire that lava lamp company—we all have to pay even if we have no use for the rabid train system,” says a disillusioned Will Peddle.
Several frequent crossers IMAGE interviewed plan to brave the stone river pathway in summer and walk on ice in season.
But if troll collections at various locales across the city fail to eradicate shortfalls for the El Er Tee and winter, Mayor O’What insists taxes will not be raised.
“If necessary,” says the chief politico, “we will set up tolls on sidewalks and bike lanes. Drivers are fed up subsidizing pedestrians and cyclists.”
Controller Fury was unavailable for comment.
Hilarity Wildchilde is an infrequent contributor.
Watsonville declares Metre-Stone
Just in from Watsonville:
“The fast track will be ready as soon as it is completed” says a spokesman from Watsonville’s Office of Transit and Tracking. “We are on track and on time to announce another important metre-stone: stations are being completed to receive and deliver passengers as soon as tracks are ready,” says the release.
“This is really good news and a track in the right direction,” says Mayor O’What.
After decades of anticipation some riders have passed on. But a new generation of transcenders and genders are eagerly awaiting the all aboard.