Letters & Opinion

Rambunctious strategy proclaimed at institution of higher and lower learning

In anticipation of the next football season and eternal  dissuasions at town- and-gown meetings, elusive and exclusive IMAGE commentator Charity Wildechilde writes:

After another round of teddy bear antics, a militant mob of Sanity Hillers demanded that the “offending, nefarious, noxious, nitwits and nincompoops” be dunked in the dark, dank waters of the Runoff Canal.

In response, the UFO Prez has, for the next “winningly rambunctious” football and other sports events in and around Sanity Hill, decreed:

From henceforth all parties and potential parties to parties will be summoned by a pie-eyed piper to parade through a predestined route lined with militant mobsters and clamouring cohorts who may cheer or jeer.

The UFO will shuttle, ferry, or funnel­Ñby boat, float, or sag wagonÑall revelers to our alternative campus, a.k.a. “the plains of pleasure,” beyond the well-travelled road often taken and the gateways of Sanity Hill.

Once deposited in the large stadium thereon, the rabble may revel unhindered by law, order, and good sense. As they whizz past, drivers on the well-travelled thoroughfare will be warned about a noisesome nuisance area ahead.

Supreme supporters, Tin Honkers, Putza Patza, Moledaughters, and LeBrats, will supply copious quantities of pizzas, pretzels, doughnut holes, poutine and liquid refreshments;  recuperation tents and tarps will be on site for those who may run out of consciousness.

“How will it end? How will it ever end?”  “With a whimper and a bang!” declares the Prez. “Pressure wash will encourage late leavers to board departure conveyances followed by semi-civil crews to cart off debris and bodies.” “This is no stadium for old men,” his sidekick snickered.

The stalwart guardians of Sanity Hill may be tentatively mollified, but an outspokesperson says, “We are justifiably sceptical about decrees from the UFO Prez but, as the fields of pleasure are out of Sanity Hill’s sight and sound, we are duty bound to warn our friends in the south-western kingdom.”

—Transcribed by Charity’s pal Judy Rinfret